I’ve Been a Hot Mess; Now What?!!!

Last week I wrote my first blog post in a long time. I have been experiencing lack on larger than normal scale in my life. I think the tip of iceberg for me was the limited response I have had on any resume that I put out there. I don’t like to say that I’ve been job searching since a layoff, but rather I am looking for meaningful work as I continue to create my career.

It is difficult to do that if your phone barely rings and your Email box has very few responses to your application. It’s very easy to become down when you have bills to pay, responsibilities to take care of and people relying on you.

This is the place from which I wrote my last blog. I realized that the statement last week that I received is true: I lack energy.

Two days after that statement was made to me, a close relative was hospitalized and I have been preoccupied with how that person is doing every since.

However, I entertain to you that in order to take care of anyone else, you must take care of yourself. It is like the airline attendant states before the airplane takes off: if there is an emergency, be sure to put the Oxygen mask on yourself first and then put it on your child or help someone else put his or hers on.

Ask for What You Need

“Ask and It Will Be Given You” is a Biblically based mantra that I try to keep in mind as I am going through challenges in my life. I have a way of not wanting to ask for help. I tend to take on a lot in my own mind, which wreaks havoc on my mind, body, and soul. Once everything builds I just “lose it” at some point. It may be through tears, or frustration or anger. It is impossible to keep everything inside.

I often wonder if this is a by-product of aging, i.e. Peri-menopause, but I digress…

Sometimes asking for what I need involves asking myself what I did while writing the blog last week: Why is my life this way? How did I end up without energy now? What is going on?

Asking the deep questions and then taking the time to search for the answers can be the start to changing your life for the better. It may be the way you will raise the vibration of your being and create that energy you need to do what is necessary even in adversity.

This is what I did last week with what little bit of free time I had.

“To Thine Ownself Be True”

I began an introspective walk last week in re-studying myself because it had been awhile.

Firstly, I reminded myself of an epiphany I realized about a month after my brother made his transition: I will never be the woman I was before his passing. Never. I can’t get her 100% back.

When your loved ones transition you may understand that their spirit lives on; however, you still miss the ability to talk to that person, touch that person while laughing, give that person a hug, share a joke the two of you had together, etc. You are missing bits of yourself because those bits die when the person dies. I had forgotten that for a few moments.

Therefore, I took a few deep breaths while sitting in a chair for a few minutes for a succession of days and reminded myself that I am asking too much out of myself. I had to give myself some self-respect for pushing on in spite of the loss and everything else I am experiencing. I am making the choice to feel good as much as I can rather than wallow in self-pity and be sad because recruiters aren’t just ringing my phone off of the hook. I am making the choice to enjoy the chance to enhance my skills, and to do something else until the “ship comes in.”

Secondly, I remembered something my mother has said before. I am going to paraphrase her: there is no way you can put countless hours of work in…study, create, do whatever it is that you can and you are not rewarded for that. At some point, it will happen for me. The struggle will be worth it. I once heard Rod Parsley say, “God will give you double for your trouble.” Until then, I am continuing what I would normally do: the things that I am passionate about; the things that I love and that give me energy. In my mind, it’s being Self-Aware. It’s taking care of myself. It’s putting the Oxygen mask on before I put one on someone else.

Thirdly, I have made all kinds of notes and lists re-studying things involving the Self; like Self Confidence and what it consists of. I have re-studied a kind of taboo topic about which I plan to write a book. In fact, I have started writing the book. I am literally walking around with a great deal of this book in my brain. It’s just a matter of sitting down and typing it out. I will give it a rest and then read it in order to see what I think.

I pulled out my mixing board and found my microphones. Those close to me know what that means: there’s going to be some singing going on. I am recording audios now in which I just talk about whatever. It feels great to do that. It feels like I am having a conversation even though there’s no one in the room. I am simply talking.

Essentially what is happening is I am becoming more of myself. I am evolving. For the first time I have noticed that writing the blog post the other day has allowed me to become more of myself. I am becoming more of who I really am, versus the “persona” that most who know me know.

You Are Enough

If you remember only one thing from reading this post today, remember this: You are enough. Period. You do not have to impress people, please people, live your life for anyone or anything like that. It has taken me so long to let this really sink in. The saying, “he who pleases everybody pleases nobody” is true. In fact, “He or she who pleases everybody ruins somebody: himself/herself.” If you try to please everyone you will be frustrated, sad, angry, alone and more. You will have a challenging time in life that you won’t have to have if you just be you. One beautiful thing I heard Ralph Smart say is, “Stress is caused by changing ourselves into something we aren’t.”

My advice is “don’t do that.” As Oscar Wilde said, “Be Yourself. Everyone else is taken.” As a result of thinking about all of this, I have been more myself in the past five days than I probably ever have. I have pushed to take care of myself when I haven’t initially felt like it. In order to love yourself you have to take care of yourself.

Furthermore you aren’t going to love yourself much if your self confidence is low. Self Confidence basically means that you trust yourself . You know what you can do and what you’re capable of. You feel that you are valuable. You believe that you can succeed regardless of what’s on your to do list or what’s the challenge in your life.

When I wrote the last blog post, I had hit bottom with all of that.

Here’s the thing: Self Confidence consists of self esteem (feeling you are valuable; knowing your worth) and self efficacy (believing in your success). Both self esteem and self efficacy impact everything you do from career to love to health, etc.

Since I was not feeling great about any of this, I now see why I was told that I had no energy. I now understand why I felt like everything has been falling apart. I lost faith in myself. I lost the feeling, any feeling, of knowing my worth and believing in my success.

I’ve been a Hot Mess, Now What?!!

Now that I have recognized that I’ve been a hot mess I’m working to change that. Here is what I am doing:

1. I am starting my day with my spirituality. Everyday I am listening to mini-messages/sermons, studying the Bible, praying and meditating. I am spending time with God. This works for me. I understand not everyone has the same faith that I do. I state that this is my practice. Do whatever works for you in your life.

2. I am opening up my Chakras. While I am a Christian by faith, I have studied some esoteric information. I have been studying again how to open up my chakras via the foods that I eat, the stones I wear, and the activities I do (such as the instruments I play or the music I listen to). This is working for me. Again, do what works for you.

3. I am eating cleaner foods. My work this week has been detoxifying my body by starting the process of eliminating processed foods from my life. I am on the second day of not drinking carbonated beverages. In my experience, my body has become addicted to these beverages. I have had to do this purge of these beverages a few different times in my life. I don’t like it. I have not had another substance issue. However, I am determined to stop drinking them for good.

4. I am saying Affirmations. Ralph Smart says, “Words are vibrations.” I agree with him. They are. I mean, I have done the wrong kind of affirmations by stating, “I can’t do this,” “I’ll never do that,” “They’ll never hire me for that,” “They aren’t calling me for that,” “Oh no, I’m going to lose that,” “Oh no, he’s walking away from me,” “Whoa, I think she’s not going to be my friend now…” So, if I can create what I call the “Reverse of the Midas Touch” with my words, I want to use my superpowers with words appropriately. I want to create some positivity with my words.

5. I am practicing Self Care. For me, self care does not only include watching what I eat, but also being out in nature. Yes, the forecast for my area all of this week is for a high of 116 degrees Fahrenheit. However, I am going outside in the early mornings and late evenings now and having a great time. Last night, I literally star gazed for a bit while walking the dog in the yard. I have stopped using toothpaste with Fluoride. I have scheduled my doctor’s appointment in order to see how my health is currently. I am scheduling appointments with specialists for things such as “Well Woman’s care.” I am focusing on improving my sleep. I am understanding that I am priceless. Since I am priceless I have infinite worth and potential (so do you); therefore, I am taking care of my health. In the middle of difficulty I am putting on the Oxygen mask and then putting it on someone else just by doing these things: by exercising even with just a walk, for example. I am helping others by helping myself.

What I learned last week was I must understand how the low self confidence depleted my energy and where this all originated. I studied it and went back into my childhood. I found the culprits that caused it. I pulled those suckers up by the roots: I pulled those weeds up out of my garden. I am passing myself compliments before others do it now. I call it my “personal weeds killer.” I am starting to do this because I am listening to the positive things others have said in the past few days. I am accepting myself by doing what I enjoy and by pushing myself to do more in a given day rather than allowing lethargy to set in. I am not spending as much “tube time” or “screen time” as I had been.

Today I just wanted to share what I discovered and what I am doing with that discovery in order to have a more abundant life. I hope that this has been helpful for anyone else who has been going through some challenges.

Finally, I want to leave you with this: People love people who are happy, fun, upbeat and positive. I even love people like that. If you find that you are none of that, not just a day or two but on a daily basis and it is draining your energy, then I advise you to study yourself to learn why. There are lots of sources online that you can search using the search engine of your choice. There are psychologists, therapists and counselors who can help. The best thing to do is not to go it alone with these down feelings about yourself. The longer you do that, the farther in the abyss you can get. The farther in you are, the more difficult it is to come out of that. It’s not impossible. It just becomes more difficult.

Be who you are, in every aspect of your life, without explanation or apology. Do this regarding everything: your career, your finances, your spirituality, your sexuality, your self expression, etc. I state this because it is all tied to your level of self confidence. Putting a high level of self confidence into constant practice creates self mastery. The happiest and the most successful people on Earth are this way because they have learned how to do this. They have learned to be themselves without explanation or apology. Being weird, unique, or whatever without a care in the world is the one of the best gifts that you can give yourself. A great gift that age gives you is you really start to care less and less about what other people think, anticipate or expect for you to do. You’ve got one life (at least, as the person you are now, depending upon your beliefs) so live it to the fullest. Live each day as if it’s your last, because at some point, it will be.


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